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The seat is comfortable; no one can talk to me; I can relieve stress in multiple ways; I can concentrate. However, no matter what condition each person has, you know it’s in their ass. Inside, there seems to be a standard bench, but this one has a outcropping to place your knees on.

After all, I have always taken my time on the toilet. In the waiting room for a colorectal surgeon, that remains the case. Apparently my self-diagnosis was absolutely correct. This news strengthens my hypothesis that I am right about 95 percent of the time.♦◊♦We go into the actual room where the magic happens.

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I ask him, giggling, if he’s at least going to take me to dinner first. And the person I am today is a person with hemorrhoids. They’re conspicuous, but, in the end, easy to take care of. Mostly, people are sitting with no visible discomfort except that which comes with being elderly. The doctor fiddles with something and with several mechanical whirrs, the bench rises about a foot and dips forward.

In fact, sitting on the toilet for long lengths has probably made me the person I am today. They form inside the rectum and tend to hang down and peek out until they’re physically, unceremoniously, forced back in. I called my dad and asked, “Have you ever had hemorrhoids? I’m surprised the waiting room isn’t filled with empty chairs and people standing, looking forlornly at the seats. I was told to drop my pants, put my knees on the outcropping, and lean over the bench and relax.

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